The Trainer

Something's amiss. Yesterday moms and pops had a woman over who had a strange accent. It was really hard to understand much of what she said but she smelled like honeydew had a huge fanny pack filled with treats. I fell in love with her. She was firm but kind and tender and I loved the way she said perfect. She said it as though she was purring like one of the alley cats on the block that I always chase under cars when mom dukes walks me. Everytime I sat when she told me to or stood or came to her she would say purrrrrrrrrrrrrfect. Whenever she rubbed my belly, I would throw my head back in ecstasy and allow my tongue to dangle lazily out of the corner of y mouth. I had to let her know that I had a really long tongue. She loved it and she rubbed me up some more and gave me more treats. I think they were made of liver and cheese but not the freeze dried crap that my parents get all the time. Nah, nah, this was the good stuff. It was as though she had gotten the goods from fairway and cut them up herself into perfect little delectable morsels for yours truly.

Anyhow, after she left, mom and dad started acting different. They weren't as affectionate towards me as usual. And today, moms locked me up in the kitchen again. She knows damn well I can't hop over that damn baby gate. She thought she was slick but I knew something was up. I knew. This morning she didn't pick me up and give me sloppy kisses on my ears. She just said "good morning" and "down" when I tried to pat her knees and do my "wake up it's Monday boom shakalaka" dance on my hind legs. I dropped to all fours in shock at her newfound level of coldness and felt my ears droop. I trotted into Dad's office and tried to sit on his lap while he coded the way I do every morning but he wasn't having it. Instead, he worked alone and walked me without reciting old Rakim tunes.

When Dad finished walking me, mom lured me into the kitchen with one of those hoity toity treats and shut the gate behind me. I tried to howl and a splash of citronella spray splashed in my face narrowly missing my eyes. Damnit, moms put the anti barking collar on me without me knowing it. I whimpered as mommy climbed over the baby gate and disappeared beyond the foyer. She was fully dressed. I heard the closet door open and close and knew that she was leaving me behind. I dropped to my belly with sorrow as Pops passed the kitchen also dressed to go. They pretended as though I wasn't there. I began to cry as I heard the door slam and the echo of their voices trail down the steps and out of the house.

I noticed that there was Kong on the floor filled with my favorite peanut butter, whimpered one more time and received a lighter yet no less annoying spritz of Citronella spray and I plopped down on the pillow they left behind for me with a heavy sigh.